How Curiosity Saves a Marriage

Chad Galbreath — Wed, 22 Apr 2026 00:28:00 +0000

You have lived with this person for years. You know their coffee order, their pet peeves, the face they make when they're pretending to be fine. And somewhere along the way, that familiarity quietly replaced curiosity. You stopped asking. They stopped sharing. Not because anything was wrong, exactly. Just because you thought you already knew.

That's how most marriages drift. Not with a blowup. With assumptions.

In this episode, we're talking about how to get that curiosity back, why it matters more than most couples realize, and how to make sure it feels like connection rather than cross-examination.
EPISODE SUMMARY
Most couples assume they know their spouse. That assumption is one of the quietest threats in a long marriage.

Nobody decides to stop being interested in the person they love. It just happens. Conversations stay surface-level. The questions stop. You're still talking, but you've stopped really listening. And if you've been married long enough, you've probably felt it: the sense that you're great partners in life but somehow not as close as you used to be.

That's what we're unpacking in this episode, and it comes down to one thing: curiosity.

Curiosity and Connection
When Chad and I work with couples, one of the first things we notice is how much familiarity has replaced curiosity. After 20-plus years of marriage, it's easy to assume you know what your spouse thinks, what they meant, or how they feel. But that assumption is the beginning of drift.

Curiosity is what keeps the conversation going past the surface. It's "tell me more about that" instead of moving on. It's "when that happened, what were you thinking?" instead of filling in the answer yourself. Those kinds of questions do two things at once: they draw your spouse out to share more, and they signal that you're still genuinely interested. That combination, being drawn out and feeling interesting to your partner, is the heartbeat of friendship inside a marriage.

Chad made a point that landed hard for us: so many couples, when we ask how they met and what drew them together, describe a friendship. There was something there beyond attraction. They enjoyed each other. They were curious about each other. And somewhere in the busyness of kids, careers, and building a life, that curiosity faded. Getting it back isn't as complicated as it might feel. It starts with a question.

Curiosity and Communication
Curiosity also does something powerful when conversations get hard. It reduces defensiveness.

Chad is honest that one of his own patterns, what the Gottman Institute would call one of the Four Horsemen, is defensiveness. When Sarah-Gayle shares something difficult, his instinct is to explain, justify, or excuse. But when he replaces that impulse with curiosity, the conversation changes. It stops being about him. It stays with Sarah-Gayle. And she gets to keep sharing.

Sarah-Gayle puts it this way: the more confused or reactive you feel in a conversation, the stronger the signal to get curious. That confusion is a cue, not a call to push back. Because here's the thing: you already know what you think. The goal of the conversation is to understand what your spouse thinks, where they're coming from, and what they're actually saying.

She uses an example she gives couples in sessions: "There's a dinosaur in my office." When clients hear that, some get confused, some get defensive. They say, "Dinosaurs are extinct. That's not right." But the ones who are practicing curiosity say, "It sounds like you're saying there's a dinosaur in your office. Is that right?" And when they stay curious, Sarah-Gayle eventually tells them: it's a stuffed animal on her couch.

If they had shut her down at the first moment of confusion, they would have never gotten to the truth of what she was saying. That's what happens in marriages every day. We cut off our spouse before we understand them, and then we wonder why they stop sharing.

What Curiosity Isn't
There's a version of curiosity that doesn't feel like interest. It feels like an interrogation.

Sarah-Gayle had a wife in a session who said she didn't want her husband to be curious because when he asked questions, she felt like she had to prove herself. He would jump from question to question without ever pausing to acknowledge what she said. She couldn't think. She felt attacked.

The difference between curiosity that connects and curiosity that corners often comes down to a few things.

Validation before questions.

The word "why" by itself can feel like a verdict. "Why did you do that?" lands very differently than first acknowledging what your spouse said and then asking a follow-up. Validation before any question, just a simple "I hear you saying..." or "It sounds like...," tells your spouse they've been heard before anything else happens. That lowers defenses and opens the door. Without it, even a well-intentioned question can feel like a challenge.

Tone.
Chad shared something he'd sent Sarah-Gayle about tone: if your voice is calm, you can ask almost anything and it will land okay. The same question said gently and said sharply creates completely different outcomes. When working with couples, one word that often comes up from wives is that they want conversations to feel more gentle. Tone is the delivery system for everything else.

A check-in.
Before jumping into a question, checking in first matters. "Can I ask you something?" isn't walking on eggshells. It's courtesy. It signals that you know the other person is speaking and you're not going to bulldoze the conversation with your own agenda. It also helps keep track of who has the floor, which makes the whole conversation cleaner.

Reassurance.
Sarah-Gayle said reassurance is like a commission multiplier in sales. Every conversation gets better when you add it. "I'm asking because I care about you" or "I'm committed to this" reframes the question before it's even fully asked. It makes clear that the point isn't to win or to catch your spouse in something. The point is connection.

Personal Responsibility in the Middle of It
There's a gap that can exist between couples in hard conversations. And the fastest way to close it is when both people take personal responsibility for closing it.

If you're the one asking questions and your spouse gets defensive, the instinct is to point that out. But the more helpful question is: what can I take ownership of that helps my spouse feel safer? Take one step toward them. And when your spouse does the same, choosing not to assume the worst and not to jump to conclusions, both of you move toward each other at once.

That's how the gap closes. Not by one person being perfect at curiosity. By both people taking responsibility for the space between them.

What You Need for Curiosity to Work
Curiosity requires margin. Real connection needs time, not a 60-second window between tasks.

One of the most powerful things you can offer your spouse is the sense that you have nowhere else to be. That there's no rush. That they don't have to compress what they're feeling into a quick summary before you move on. That kind of presence is what makes a conversation feel like it actually mattered.

Schedule some time this week. Pull up the reflection questions below. Practice the things we talked about. Curiosity is a skill, and the more you use it, the more your marriage stays alive to what's still being discovered.

KEY TAKEAWAYS
Here's what we covered and what we want you to walk away with:

Familiarity is a silent threat to connection. Long marriages don't drift because of big blowups. They drift because of assumptions. Curiosity is the correction.
Curiosity signals interest. When you ask a genuine follow-up question, your spouse hears: I'm still interested in you. That's more powerful than most couples realize.
Curiosity reduces defensiveness. Replacing your instinct to explain or push back with a genuine question keeps the conversation safe and moving forward.
Validation before questions is the key. Acknowledging what your spouse said before asking anything changes the entire tone of the exchange.
Tone is everything. The same question asked gently or sharply creates completely different outcomes. Gentleness is not weakness. It's skill.
Curiosity is a skill you build. Schedule the time. Use the questions. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes, and the more your marriage reflects it.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES

These are the passages that connect to this episode's conversation:

Proverbs 20:5 — "The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." Your spouse has more going on inside than what surfaces in small talk. Curiosity is what draws it out.

James 1:19 — "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." This verse is a blueprint for how curiosity should feel: listening first, speaking second, reactions last.

Philippians 2:3-4 — "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Curiosity is humility in action. It says: you matter more than my need to be right.

Proverbs 18:2 — "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." Genuine curiosity requires we prioritize understanding over being understood.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS FOR COUPLES
Start with these on your own. Then bring them to a conversation with your spouse.

For Personal Reflection:
When did you last ask your spouse a question you didn't think you knew the answer to? What does that tell you?
Is there an area where you've been assuming instead of asking, filling in the blanks rather than letting your spouse speak?
Think about the last time a conversation went sideways. What would curiosity have changed?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally safe does your spouse feel sharing with you? What's one thing you could change?

For Conversation with Your Spouse:
Is there something you've wanted to share but haven't, because you weren't sure how I'd respond? I want to hear it.
What's one area where you feel like I've been assuming instead of asking? Help me understand what's true.
What would it look like to have a conversation where we both stayed curious the whole way through?
What's one question you wish I asked you more often?

Open-Ended Questions to Practice:
What's been on your mind lately that we haven't had a chance to talk about?
Is there something you're working through right now that I don't know about?
What's something you're looking forward to in the next few months?
How are you really doing, not the short answer, but really?
What's one thing I could do this week that would mean a lot to you?

Want to go deeper?
We work with couples one-on-one to build communication and connection that lasts. If this episode stirred something up and you want help working through it, we'd love to talk.

Forem: Chad Galbreath

How Curiosity Saves a Marriage